Flying generally sucks, but it doesn't have to be awful. If you're willing to break a few rules and compromise your status as an upstanding moral citizen, the dark side has a few secrets to help you have a more enjoyable flight.
The Dark Side Disclaimer
All posts that belong to the Dark Side are going to feature some ideas that might be a little evil or at least require some flexible ethics. Some things will be downright horrible, and you should not do them, but are either for your information or simply for the point of interest (and will be noted as such). Your judgment and actions are your own, so think before you do anything you read here and only use your dark side for good.
Getting a Special Seat for Free
One of the wonderful things you get, thanks to the internet, is the ability to choose your seat online when you book a flight. The problem is, so many of those seats are reserved for people who have some sort of priority status or are willing to pay around $25 to sit in a seat that's mildly better than the one the airline assigns them. If you feel you deserve a better seat for the price of your patronage and don't want to pay a fee, wait until 24 hours before your flight, or fly the same airline so much that they give you special status, sometimes there's a way around these restrictions.
Some airlines handle seat selections through the URL. Why? I have no idea. It's stupid, because URLs are easy to hack. When you select a seat by clicking on it, often times that seat is sent through a URL variable as you travel to the next page. You might see something like http://someairline.com/checkin/seatassignment.php?seat=4A, but it'll likely have a few more variables and be a bit more difficult to parse at first glance. Make an initial seat assignment, note the seat number and letter, and watch the URL to see where your seat appears. Copy the URL, finish up the process, and then go back to change your seat again. When you get to the selection screen, pick a seat that you want that's reserved for someone the airline likes better than you (e.g. an exit row seat or other premium-type seat that's free for special people). Paste in the URL that you copied but change the seat to the premium seat you want. Hit enter and watch your seat assignment change to the fancy seat like it was selectable all along.
Note: this won't work with all airlines as their sites work differently, but I've been successful in the past with a couple of major airlines who have yet to realize this is a problem. Some airlines will correct this error you create, however, so if you find that this happens just pick a regular seat and then use this trick to get a premium seat change when you check in 24 hours before your flight.
Preventing a Passenger from Reclining Their Seat
There's hardly any room in coach/economy/peasant class on an airplane, so when the person in front of you reclines they're making that worse. You could recline to sort of take back some of your space, but it doesn't really help where it counts and then it makes the person behind you uncomfortable in exactly the same way you are uncomfortable. I'm of the opinion that reclining your seat is a rude thing to do because you're essentially stating that your comfort is more important than the person behind you. Additionally, reclining the seat hardly does anything for anyone's comfort. Airline seats are just uncomfortable no matter what, so deal with it!
Anyway, if you're willing to be a little evil you can easily prevent the seat in front of you from reclining. For $15, you can buy a little gadget called the Knee Defender, but you can also get the same results by using a water bottle. The trick is to simply apply pressure to the seat in front of you so it'll bounce back when it tries to recline. You'll need to keep your tray table open so you can place the water bottle on top of it so it pushes up against the spot right below the tray table latch (as pictured). You might need to put something under the water bottle to prop it up adequately, so come prepared. The downside of this trick is that you lose some of your tray table space and your tray table has to be open indefinitely, but that extra room should more than make up for it.
Of course, there are nicer ways to go about this. Often times you can ask politely and the person in front of you will put their seat back up. If that doesn't work, sometimes a bribe will. Offer to buy them a drink, food, or just give them $5. I've rarely seen people do this, but it's worked when they have. If it doesn't, at least you get to keep your $5.
Ensuring Your Carry-On Baggage Gets a Spot
With baggage fees going through the roof, you've probably been in a situation where you boarded the plane later than most of the passengers and were forced to check your bag. Sure, it doesn't cost you anything but that doesn't mean you wanted to check it. After having an incident of theft with the TSA, I never check my bag and make sure I find a spot for it in the overhead compartment?even when space for baggage has supposedly run out.
There are a few ways to ensure your bag gets on the plane. The first option is to be pre-emptive. Planes generally board by zone numbers or alphabetical boarding groups. This number or letter will be printed on your boarding pass. Who prints your boarding pass if you check-in at home? You do. Who has a copy of Photoshop and knows how to use it? You do. Make sure you know which group boards first, change your boarding pass so it has that number or letter on it, and you're good to go. On the other hand, altering your boarding pass is something the law may frown upon. I'm not sure, so check before you do it. If you want a less-risky preemptive solution, wait until the group before you is called, let a few people get in line, and then get in line behind them. By the time you get to the front your group will be called. If you miscalculate, it's very unlikely you'll be turned away as the gate agent knows your group is coming up in a few seconds.
In the event you do not plan ahead and you're met with the possibility of being forced to check your bag, you still have options. I've been told many times that I need to check may bag and not once has it actually happened. The key to getting around it is by being very polite. Generally people respond to "you're going to have to check your bag" with anger and annoyance, so being polite goes a very long way. All you really have to say is, "would you mind if I try to fit my bag under the seat?" Tell the flight attendant you'll bring it right back out if it can't fit. If you're in the front of the plane, it doesn't hurt to mention that you don't have far to go. Often times there are open spots in the overhead bins even when you're told they are full. This is because the flight staff knows the bins will be full based on the amount of luggage still on the plane. Regardless, bins are still open. If you can get your bag on the plane you can probably find a spot if you're diligent. Just because you're told there's no more room, take a chance to find some. Your chances are very good.
Getting a Discount on Inflight Wi-Fi
Internet access isn't particularly cheap when you're getting it on an airplane. In fact, the cost of access for a single flight can be comparable to what some people pay for basic DSL for an entire month. We've looked at how to get cheap or free inflight wi-fi before, but one tip has stood up to the test of time.
Because you're less likely to consume the same amount of data on your mobile phone as you would on a laptop, your phone gets a cheaper rate. It's not much cheaper, but it usually works out to about 20% off. If you want to pay this lower rate but still use your laptop (or tablet, which is considered a computer) you just have to identify your web browser as a phone when you sign up. This is pretty easy to do. If you're running Safari, you can select your browser's user agent from the Debug menu. If you need to enable the Debug menu, you can do so with the following terminal command:
defaults write com.apple.Safari IncludeDebugMenu 1
Changing the user agent in Firefox is also pretty easy if you install the User Agent Switcher add-on.
Once you've identified yourself as a mobile phone and signed up, you can switch back to a normal user agent and use the connection normally.
Breaking Into the Airplane Lavatory
There is hardly a practical reason you'd ever have for breaking into a locked airplane lavatory, but should you come across one we've learned it's easy to do (thanks to our pals over at Hipmunk). Underneath the Lavatory sign is a little lever you can push until the door moves from the Occupied to the Vacant position.
Of course you should probably never do this. Unless your child is somehow trapped in the bathroom, there's really no reason you'd ever need to break in. That said, it's good to know that if your pants are down and you hear the lock shift, you may have cause for worry.
Dealing With a Bad, Bad Passenger
There is no one way to handle an annoying passenger, but there are some simple guidelines. When you're forced into a situation with a passenger who is mean, rude, and downright inconsiderate, you'll get absolutely nowhere by getting into a pissing match with him or her. In fact, the more the argument escalates the more likely you'll both turn the flight staff against you?even if you're in the right?and, in the worst-case scenario, get booted from the plane. The key to dealing with a horrible passenger is to remain calm and avoid confrontation. Confrontation will get you nowhere.
In many cases, having the flight attendants on your side will help. If you can't resolve a given situation peacefully, call a flight attendant and ask for help. Explain the situation to the flight attendant calmly. If the bad passenger continues conducting him or herself angrily, you'll win the argument by simply being calm.
Sometimes, however, a flight attendant won't sufficiently resolve the situation in your favor and you have to get creative. I can't offer up a solution for every problem you may encounter, as there are too many variables, but I can share a story of how I dealt with one awful passenger.
On a recent flight, I had my bag (this bag, if you're curious) under the seat in front of me like I always do. It's where your carry-on bags are supposed to go if they're small enough to fit. A 40-something man sat down in the seat in front of me and immediately began to throw a tantrum, yelling at me to move my bag. I was thrown off as I didn't realize he was talking to me at first, and the following conversation occurred:
Me: What bag?
Bad Man: The bag under my seat! You CANNOT put your bag under MY seat!
Me: Is it too far forward? Let me move it back a bit.
Bad Man: Take it out! It's MY seat! Your bag does not belong under MY seat!
Me: I'm sorry you're having trouble, but I'm allowed to have a bag under the seat in front of me and?
(Yes, I actually said this?my old customer support instincts kicked in. But I was interrupted.)
Bad Man: I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE CATTLE!
At this point the flight attendant came by and offered to take my bag and put it in the overhead until the plane took off. She told the man to calm down and gave me an apologetic look. Yes, this resolved the situation but the angry man was the one who got what he wanted despite being the asshole in this situation and I didn't feel that was right. When he reclined his seat after takeoff, invading my space like he insisted I was doing to him, I decided I'd had enough.
I took a few minutes to calm down and figure out my options. Within a few minutes I realized the kid sitting next to me was traveling with two of his friends. I asked the kid if he wanted to sit with his friends and he said yes. I talked to his father and also convinced his father to switch seats so all three young boys could sit together. Where? In the row behind the bad passenger.
Before I switched seats, one of the kids thanked me for moving. I told him, "it's no problem, so long as you have fun." And they did, loudly and wildly. The boy behind the bad passenger kicked the seat throughout the flight. It was wonderful.
The moral of the story is this (if you can call this a story with a moral): if someone is mean to you for no good reason, don't be mean back. Instead, figure out how to make someone else enact your revenge.
Often times the best solutions come from a calm place where you can make a few observations. Next time you're traveling by air, pay attention to everything around you. Like with every one of these evil little tricks, the solutions are right in front of you.
This post is part of our Evil Week series at Lifehacker, where we look at the dark side of getting things done. Knowing evil means knowing how to beat it, so you can use your sinister powers for good. Want more? Check out our evil week tag page.You can follow Adam Dachis, the author of this deplorable and unethical post, on Twitter and Facebook. ?If you'd like to contact him, Twitter is the most effective means of doing so.
Photo by Alex Mitt (Shutterstock).
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